Dear Faraway Soldier,
I spent a lot of time rewriting this letter in my head. I think it’s partially because I still talk to my other Childhood Friend and Poet, but not you. There was never the slightest sense of closure; we had no words for each other. But I owe you an explanation; I owe myself that, too.
So, why haven’t I talked to you since you came back? I doubt you would have wanted to in the beginning, but I confess, I probably should have tried. It wasn’t fair of me, but please let me explain. I was so mad at you. I found out the truth of you were, what you did. I got a new job and people there knew you, they told me stories about you that horrified me. You told me you were someone else. You went to youth group with me, and you knew the one thing that kept me from dating you was your relationship with God. I wanted you to long for Him more than you longed for me. You said you could, you would, you did, but I held back. When I found out all those stories, what you were involved in, I was so thankful that I hadn’t dated you. I was so angry at all the lies you fed me, all the stories I had believed.
But you, I bet you were mad too. You were probably mad that I said I would wait. You were probably hurt that instead of writing to you tons, I sent two short letters. I had the time, so why didn’t I write more? You were alone, you needed someone, and I wasn’t there. How could I have abandoned you? I told you that when you came back from serving the country that maybe there would be an us.
I think that our problem rests not in lying to each other, but ourselves. I never planned on lying to you, and I genuinely believe the same of you now. I thought those nights we spent stargazing in some stranger’s field, eating Oreos and watching fireflies, I thought that they were going to continue. I never planned for you to come back to me holding the hand of another man.
And you? I think those promises you made about who you were, I think that’s who you really wanted and tried to be. I think that you tried to change, you tried to be someone that I wanted, but how could you? There was no one else there to support you.
So, Faraway Soldier, I want you to know that I never intended to hurt you. I never planned for your return to go the way it did, and for that, I am truly sorry. I hope that you are doing well, wherever you are. I pray that you have found the Love that you were always searching for, and that you find the love you so desperately want.
Best wishes to you,
“White Girl Can Run”