Last night, as I lay in bed thinking about how to be affordable, but still attractive at prom, my eyes grazed over a piece of paper I have stuck to my wall. “Proverbs 31.” Convicted. Guilt seemed to pulse through my veins as I thought about all the time I’d spent over the past 2 days trying to make sure I’d look okay, yet I hadn’t “found time” to sit down and really talk to God. As I came to Proverbs 31: 30, my heart seemed to shatter.

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. “

What had I been doing? Focusing so much on trying to be good enough, look good enough and forgetting the One who made me good enough?!  The more I thought about it, the more I saw the flaws in my own life, the cracks, the slips, the falls and that’s when it hit me. Proverbs 31 didn’t describe me in anyway, at all. It was painful realizing it, but it was the truth.

Starting this week, I’m going to be slowly picking apart Proverbs 31 and trying to apply it to my life (and also post here! Feel free to join me ). It’s not some “Summer Project” where I try and cram it all into a certain time period, but instead, I’ll go at the pace God sets for me. I’d even like to try and memorize the whole passage. My prayers is that I would truly become a woman after God’s own heart.

-Paige

“When you come to knowing God, the initiative lies on His side. If He does not show Himself, nothing you can do will enable you to find Him. And, in fact, He shows much more of Himself to some people than to others—not because He has favourites, but because it is impossible for Him to show Himself to a man whose whole mind and character are in the wrong condition. Just as sunlight, though it has no favourites, cannot be reflected in a dusty mirror as clearly as in a clean one.”

As I read this quote, I found myself convicted. I’d been pleading with God to use me, but my mirror was so filled. It was covered with the dust of the world, the filth that I’d let into my life and even worse, into my heart. One of my favorite songs talks about this very thing, as Tenth Avenue North sings,

“Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away, I can feel I’m fading…”

For the first time in my life, I’ve understood the parable of the prodigal son. Before, I always pitied the other son. I thought it was unfair that he was neglected when all along he’d been doing the right thing. It seemed the prodigal son was rewarded for his shortcomings, but now I get it. I rejoice in the fact that God allows a prodigal son or daughter to return to him and to have communion with him as if nothing had ever happened. My sins are spread far away, as far as the east is from the west. I am made new in Him and given a second chance, and a third, and a fourth, and so on… I.am.redeemed.

Paige

That’s actually something God’s really been laying on my heart lately though, waiting for His timing. I feel like I’ve been acting much like a little kid learning how to walk, trying to go too fast so that I fall down oh so often. The past 5-10 weeks have been some of the most challenging I have ever had. My Christian faith has been challenged and my walk with God put to test. Relying on God putting me through the refiner’s fire is tougher than it sounds, but slowly I’m learning to lay down what I have and give it over to Him.

One thing that recently has helped me through those times is having my driver’s license. I know that sounds super silly, but I love being able to drive to work. Some of the times I shut off all the music and just talk to God. It’s nice having the complete silence and being able to not have anyone interrupt me. I came to realize how much I desperately need more time to talk with God. It seems that’s one area in my life that I’ve been majorly lacking. I don’t have any really strong Christian friends so I need to rely on God all the more. In one sense, it’s good. I believe that sometimes we listen to other’s advice, believing God to have placed them in our lives to share that and sometimes forgetting to go to the One who has the answers. On the flip side, God DOES use people to point us in the right directions at times, but necessarily always. It is an important part of the Christian faith to have fellowship and people to depend upon. As I learn to lay my whole self out to God, I find that I’m learning new things about both myself and Him.

One thing that He’s shown me recently is the weakness of the flesh. An older contemporary song goes,

“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so weak.”

I feel like that line in essence describes where I stand right now. My heart and soul yearn for closeness with God, for union with Him, for the time when I might bow in His presence and declare Him LORD over all. But then… the flesh. My worldly desires seem to tear me away, clawing pulling at any loose hold, ripping me away. The war going on around in, inside of me, about me is so frustrating. Romans 7 also has a great picture of what I’m feeling,

“We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.” -(Romans 7:15-26)

I titled this post “The Spiritual Moonwalk” for a reason. Sometimes it feels like I’m walking forward and everyone else seems me as progressing, but deep inside I know it’s all fake. I’m struggling, going backward and it’s scary. As I fight to draw nearer to God, I ask for prayers. Prayers to let go of everything that is not of Him and is of me. Thank you all,

Love,

-Paige

P.S. I know this is suuuper long and jumps all over the place but, yup.. this is pretty much what’s going on in my life right now. =)

-Self Injury Awareness Day 2012-
~ our scars don’t define us. ~

As the worship team led a song familiar to most people called. “Lord I Give You My Heart,” I found myself focusing on the words more than I ever had before. (For those of you who don’t know it, I encourage you to check it out here.)

“This is my desire, to honor You.”  The first line hit me like a wave. As I walk through life, is this always my desire? Am I putting God above everything else? Life seems to tug at me from all sides, urging me to take a step to the left, or to the right- anything so that I’m not walking towards Christ. Yet when I’m off the right path, is it my true desire to honor God? To get back on track with Him?

“Lord, with all my heart I worship You.”  Was I really worshipping God with all my heart? Or were there other things that I was clinging to, trying to hide in the corners of my mind, but to no avail? Was I holding something else in higher esteem than the LORD of all the universe?

“All I have within me, I give You praise.”  How was I worshipping? Or was I at all? Could it be that I was so worried about everyone else’s focus, worrying about making sure the graphics were up at the right time, worrying that someone might think it weird if I closed my eyes or sung a little louder?

“All that I adore is in You…” This is when I became convicted of my half-hearted worship that evening. I knew without a doubt that I could sing that right there and mean it. My adoration was not solely on Christ alone like it should be, but at that moment I wanted it to be more so than ever before. I wanted to push everything out of my mind, throw it out, burn it up.

Tears began to trickle down my face as I earnestly sang out the chorus,

“Lord, I give you my heart, 

I give You my soul, I live for You alone,

Every breath that I take, every moment I’m awake,

Lord, have your way in me.”  

As I walk through this week and you walk through yours, I pray that our hearts desires may be for Christ alone and only Him. That our hearts would seek Him out and that we would give Him praise with all that we are.

To God be the Glory,

Paige

I wish I could say I’m ready, but to be honest- I’m not. I haven’t even fully decided on my major yet, I toss back and forth between 3 things. Trusting God in this is tough, but I know in the end my trust in Him reaps dividends. The comfort I receive in the power of Christ is unlike anything else. If you’ve never experienced it-  you’re really missing out.

I think back to 3 years ago when I thought my life was all planned out. I’d live in a hut along the coast of some unknown island with my Middle School sweet heart. We’d be missionaries and have 4 kids… we even had decided a few of their names. Now looking back I see my foolish thinking, believing I could plan and run my own life. Every step I take has been taken in accordance with God’s will. I used to spend hours wishing I could undo moments of my life, take back things I’ve said or say things I never had the chance to. Now I look back on it all and realize that each part of my life, my successes and my failures brought me to where I am now. I can honestly say there’s only really 2 things I would change if I had to redo my life, and I’m working on letting go of those 2 things.

So, what’s the point in this post? I’m not really sure. I just wrote what was on my heart… maybe it will help you or you can relate in some way, maybe not. Regardless, just writing this all out has made things clearer to me and clarity is something I really desire. I encourage you though, to take a step with me, take a leap with me and let go of those “I wish I had” ‘s. Though sometimes we can’t understand what it is, God always has a plan.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

Blessings,

-Paige

Mr. Smith was a pilot and a friend of our family. A few years before 9/11 two devastating things happened to him. First, he got a brain tumor and was told he could no longer be a pilot and secondly he and his wife split up. He was not a close friend of our family so I don’t know how much this news effected him, but I can only imagine the devastation and unimaginable pain this man was going through. Shortly after these events he moved out west and began to teach at a pilot’s school, training young men and women how to fly a plane. At one point Mr. Smith got a few Islamic people who acted strangely, they said they cared most about learning how to take-off, but not land. After numerous counts of suspicious behavior, Mr. Smith called the FBI and notified them of the men. At first the FBI didn’t believe him, but after further investigation these men were caught and put behind bars. Most people don’t know that a 5th plane was supposed to crash on that day patriotism spread across America like wild fire. Mr. Smith’s students were supposed to be the pilots of that plane, but because 1 man, 1 person stood up and said something wasn’t right- he saved hundreds of lives. On the flip side, can you imagine if he hadn’t said anything? If he was afraid of being criticized or didn’t want to stand out and stand up for what he believed? What if he was too afraid of failure to pursue getting FBI investigation?

One voice, one action, one person can make all the difference. Will you speak out?

“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.” 1 Corinthians 16:13

To God be the Glory,

Paige

P.S. Wow, I can’t believe this is my 50th post!

To say I was stunned would be an understatement. Some people would think it creepy, but it wasn’t. There was no playful or flirtatious look in the man’s eyes, he genuinely wanted to know about my trip.  As I replay the scene in my head for the millionth time, I once again wonder how he knew I was going to the DR? I’m certain he must have heard me mention it to one of my co-workers or bosses at one point or another, but when exactly? If he heard me then, what else does he know about me? What else do others know about me?

Now I know that all sounds so weird and slightly horrifying, but think about it. There are most always people listening. What are you saying about yourself? Others? If someone you didn’t know was listening, would they get the right impression of you?

I’m very ‘lucky’, (I put lucky in quotations for lack of a better word..  To be honest, I don’t even believe in luck I am certain that God ordains absolutely everything.)  this man heard me say something good, but what about all the not so great things I’ve said… What people have heard them and what impression do they have of me? I know from now on I’m going to be even more careful watching what I say, who knows who could be listening? And even if I’m certain no one is.. if I’d care if someone was, should I be saying it at all?

I’m reminded of an old song that many children still sing in Sunday school. It goes, “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…” I’m sure you know the rest, but the point is… Is your light shining, always?

“In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.” – Matthew 5:16

To God be the Glory,

-Paige

This past Sunday I had the joy of meeting up with another girl who went on the DR trip, only the second team- not the first. We had met up earlier and shared our experiences, but I had asked if we could meet up again because I just needed to talk to her. She understood my severely longings to return perhaps more than anyone else. As we sipped our coffee and sat together I began to reveal to her just how hard it was for me to adjust back to the American living. She too confessed she had trouble as well, but she was finding comfort in the God’s word. I nodded, not really sure I understood how. Don’t get me wrong, I had opened the Bible every day 2 weeks after we returned, but somehow… I still felt something was missing. This past week I had begun to get frustrated and gave up. I guess I needed to wallow in a little self pity before God revealed it all to me. My friend explained that the reason she missed the DR so much was because God was literally EVERYWHERE. I know, I know, He’s omnipresent so DUH He’s everywhere, but in the DR this is much more evident. People there are just searching for ways to love on others, seeking God with a reckless abandonment, praying with a purpose. We both missed that the most. My friend however took reading the Bible differently then I did. I’d been reading the Bible searching for answers- which believe me, it has tons, but to her… reading the Bible was seeking God, spending legit time with Him and allowing Him to reveal Himself to her in any and every way. I sat there floored. I had been like that kid who opens a literature book and skims through, searching for the answers to his homework questions and missing the beauty of the book. I’d read the Bible searching for answers in my own life, not seeking to really know God.

Now, as I sit here typing I can say I’m happy. I know God isn’t sending me back to the DR yet, and I’m okay with that. He’s got something magnificent planned for me here even though it was hard to see before. God works in mysterious ways, and I find myself learning from my DR experiences even a month later. I pray that you all won’t make the same mistake as me, searching the Bible for answers to the questions of life and missing out on the beauty of Christ. I wish I could go back in time to when I stopped reading the Bible to know Him and started looking for answers, but then again- God allows everything to happen for a reason.

In Christ Alone,

Paige

So. As for the re-designing… I’m going to be switching things around a bit, so if something isn’t working for you please let me know! I’m trying to add my poetry / stories, an about me section and a contact me section.  Hopefully this will be up and running smoothly by February!! I’ve also got some exciting decisions I’ve made to share